Diary of a Transwoman; TRIGGER WARNING: Depression and suicidal thoughts.

April 13

Hello to all my sibs out there.

I think today I want to talk about depression and how it affects me. Not only with my day-to-day, but with my transition.

I am writing this to hopefully reach that one person or those who need to know that there is hope. There are people out there who love and support you. They may not be your biological family; they could be someone you would never expect to stand by your side, holding your hand while you cry and helping you pull yourself back together.

I know this might be difficult for some to read, and it is hard for me to write. My depression comes and goes, like many others do. When it hits me, I feel like total garbage. I don't want to talk to anyone, and I sure as heck don't want to see anyone. During my depressive states, I am very sad; I start thinking that no one would miss me if I were not here. That starts me down a path that scares the dickens out of me. I can vividly visualize how and where I would accomplish my end. I won't go into detail about how and when, I would not want to give anyone my ideas about how to end.

When I have thoughts like this, I begin to contemplate what I would leave behind. I have two very loving pups who are with me all the time, and I have a partner who loves me. I also think about those I have not met- people I might inspire to follow their dreams and their own path to happiness. I ponder the individuals I have met, how I may have inspired them without knowing it, and how I might have saved their lives simply by being myself. Perhaps by just saying hello. When I think about others and how my not being here will affect them, it's like the movie "It's a Wonderful Life."

Depression hits me differently now that I have started my transition. I think back to when I realized I was supposed to be a girl (around the age of 11), if I had known then that I could take medication to help me be me. I would have liked to think I would take it. Then I think 🤔 I have two wonderful boys who have grown to be very caring and loving people. The oldest has given me the opportunity to be a grandmother to two wonderful and beautiful girls. Had I transitioned back then, I would not have my two boys, and I would not have my two granddaughters. I know I would not have the friend group I have now. I am unsure where I would be "if only" I had known.

Today is a new day. I am happier now that I can live my true self. My experiences throughout my life have shaped the person I am today. Living the lie for so long has given me the opportunity to bring my experience to those who might need the help. I never know who I will meet during the day. I have started to wear a Transgender lapel pin, and I do this for a few reasons. One reason is to let people ask me what the pin is. I was at a truck stop getting fuel and something to eat, and the manager there stopped me and asked me. I was shocked to have someone actually stop me like that. I told him that it is the transgender colors, and I have it for support. I didn't tell him that I am transgender, because I was in one of the deep southern bible belt states. Surprised, he said, "Thank you, now I know." I ended up staying at that truck stop overnight. Every time I went in, and he saw me, he would say, "Now I know." The other reason I have the pin is to let other LGBTQ+ people know I am there, showing my support in the quietest way possible.

My transgender lapel pin